Wow. I’m realizing in this moment that it has been almost two months since my last confession, er, post (raised Roman Catholic). By now many of you have figured out why I’ve been away: I’ve been growing two human beings in my belly. That’s right… after all that, we did it!

Despite that fact that I am deeply grateful and overjoyed, it’s not been the bed of roses that I fantasized it might be. I know it never is… but boy, howdy, did I get dealt some tough knocks those first three months. Having been an athlete all my life–waking up before school every morning to swim, practicing my fiddle with broken/bruised and/or blistered fingers, rowing crew where more than once we trained so hard running stadiums we puked–I’m no stranger physical and emotional grit; to what it takes to dig deep, then deeper. But this? This first trimester? This broke me.

Feeling better now and true to form, I didn’t let it slip by without really milking what all that pain and suffering was for. I mean, of course it was for the babies. But many women have easy first trimesters, or mild to moderate. And then for a few… well, for a few it can be, dare I say, traumatic—emotionally and physically. Sadly though, we don’t give room to talk about pregnancy-trauma in our culture… it’s too dark/taboo and pregnancy is supposed to be about glorious light and life, right?

I digress. Given the experience of growing babies is different for every pregnant woman, then any sacrificing can’t just be for the babies, right? After trying for so hard for so long, so much heartache and loss over the years, I wondered what my semi-traumatic* first 15 weeks of pregnancy was really for. I couldn’t help but feeling that having my “dream fulfilled” being so painful was for something other than preparing for motherhood; something bigger than me.
* I say semi-traumatic because mine was far worse than most but certainly less than the hospitalization, dehydration, and constant vomiting some women face for an entire 40 weeks.

And so, a week ago, when I thought I could not tolerate one more day of nausea, vomiting, headache pounding, mind-numbing, depleted, emotionally spent, complain-y me, I went to see a Shaman. That’s right. A Shaman. A native healer.

I drove an hour to “out in the middle of nowhere” (which happened to be gorgeous) and felt peace the moment I stepped from my car onto the land. She, the Shaman, greeted me warmly. She smelled of coconut and peace. My pregnancy- induced, super-powered olfactory senses drank her in.

We talked at first, nature enveloping us. I cried. Exhausted, depleted. Desperate. Desperate for relief. Desperate to be understood. Desperate to understand. Fifteen weeks — 24/7– is a long time to suffer and be in pain, yo. There, I asked again, in the presence of the Shaman, her guides and the woods–the most important question for me: What the hell was it all for anyway? By the end, I found out.

Upon waking from the session, I felt whole. Instantly back to myself. Head still hurt and tummy growling (I was on the table for a while and these babies need food every 90 minutes), I felt like “me” again. Hard to explain really. The best I can do is to say I felt all the little bits of me that got lost or torn away (like little mini-traumas) came back to find their home inside of me. I was restored. I wept for as long as I needed—I had really, really missed myself.

When I made my way off the table, finished my crying and ate a bit, she began sharing with me the journey she saw, the healing that took place. After an hour of listening, in awe and deeper understanding, the piece that I was most impacted by was this: The last 15 weeks were, as I suspected, not in vain. My first trimester has been a Vision Quest of sorts–according to the Shaman. A Vision Quest is done in service of receiving information about something greater than us. It’s often done for a purpose, in a tent, on a hill… fasting without food or water for 4 days. It brings One purity, clarity and messaging in the face of suffering, pain and isolation. It burns off what’s no longer needed and leaves us with a profound insight to what it is we are in search of or meant for.

Gratefully, before getting knocked-up, I already knew my life’s work was to be of service in ways that help women heal. However, because of my first trimester experience, I have an entirely new way of being, looking and thinking about my service/my work/my offering. I can feel there has been a softening in me, and a wisening too. I see it with my clients, my wife, my family, my friends. Soon, I’ll see it with my babies. I’m clear now, after these babies come, I will be of service in a whole new way to women, particularly those who are suffering in silence or isolation. My own private Vision Quest-like experience (aka: first trimester) changed everything from the future of my business to my ontology (my being).

In the end, I believe I had the profound privilege of suffering. I learned more deeply about what is called for in the world, who I’m here to be and what I’m here to do.

What Does All This Mean For You?
After all that settled in, I got to thinking…the Restoring Power Organic Retreat is just four weeks away. And while it’s not nearly as painful as my first trimester with twins or a traditional Vision Quest, it is similar in some ways; it’s meant to be in service of something greater for you and the people you care about. It helps burn off that which no longer serves you. It softens, brings clarity, insight and wisdom to your whole being. It leaves you feeling restored, replenished and powerful beyond what you thought possible. And most importantly, it’s an opening…not and ending.

If you are hungry, ready, waiting…I invite you to consider attending the retreat. Truth is, given my new life, I don’t know when the next one will be, or if it will even ever look the same ever again. There are a few seats left at the early bird price (which ends June 23rd). If you have questions, I’m here for you to speak with and check it out. It’s not for everyone… but for those that have felt the calling or simply knew it was right (even if terrified), it changed the trajectory of their lives—gently, but powerfully.

Lastly, I think it goes without saying; the women of this July 2011 retreat will get a different me. An infused, softer, wiser, more powerful me to care for you, guide you and lead you to the parts of yourself you have buried or forgotten. Restore, reclaim and love your wholeness.

As always, thanks for listening as I share myself—sometimes vulnerably. Without you, my community, I do not exist. You give me my place to be in the world; you give me my power.

Love, love,
regina
xo

This month marks one year since the official launch of Restoring Power. Whoo hoo! For close to a decade before that, I was a business consultant & coach but after an opportunity to reevaluate my work, my life, my offer to the world, I went back to my roots and am now doing different work all together. Work I love. Work I am meant to be doing. Hallelujah!

It takes a while for one’s business identity to shift, I’m learning. In the last four or five months alone I’ve had at least three requests to do my former consulting work and at least three or four requests for referrals (to other people) for the work that I do today.

Then, I came across this blog post I had book marked from the fabulous Naomi Dunford and realized… perfect. Take a gander and see what you think. Maybe you’ll even play along and write your own?!

The gist? Let people in on the nitty gritty of what you do. No fancy marketing language or spin. Just straight up answer the questions she poses. Make it easy for people to know who you are what you do.

Here’s how to play (in the exact words of Ms. Dunford): 

Go find a cup or glass. Fill it with something.

Copy the questions below into some kind of document.

Stare vacantly into the distance for a while. Check Twitter a couple times. Take the laundry out of the washing machine before it starts getting moldy.

Answer the questions and put them onto your blog with some kind of introductory information.

Click publish.

Eat some cake.

So… here I go. Cuz, you know, I like cake.

What’s your game? What do you do?
I am a counselor/coach/healer type. I work with individuals and couples and groups; mostly women but I love my men. I work:
- in private sessions in my NE Portland office
- 6-8 week evening group sessions
- 3-day organic healing retreats in the woods

I’m interested in people restoring their personal power and being free. I do this by either helping to heal a traumatic past or by supporting them in telling the truth about things they may not want to tell the truth about. I help people understand their shadow side, their dark side; their lower selves. Why? So that they can live in their wholeness- their light, their dark, all of it. We all have a dark side; when we hide it, we only are living half-way, feeling numb or depressed and wondering why. Accessing our dark side allows us to be free, powerful and authentic.

I use Somatics (the idea that the body holds our history and is a living intelligence, in fact, it never lies), along with more traditional types of “talk therapy”, and lastly I occasionally use my intuition and Reiki (energy work)– all to support the overall outcome for my peeps.

Why do you do it? Do you love it, or do you just have one of those creepy knacks?
It took me a long, long time to realize how lucky I am here: I love it AND I have a knack. A gift even. Since I was little, I was helping people get free. I just had to do much of my own personal work to really, fully own it.

Who are your customers? What kind of people would need or want what you offer?
My clients tend to fall into two camps. They are either strong women/leader types or creatives/artists types. Sometimes both. Occasionally neither.

The people who love my work are people who
- feel they are missing something in the way they are living/experiencing their life
- feel anxiety or panic more than they want to
- are having difficulty being related in the way they want to (boss, colleages, lovers, friends)
- feel sad, numb, or depressed but not sure why
- want to increase their personal power and effectiveness

What’s your marketing USP? Why should I buy from you instead of the other losers? (*Reminder: these are Naomi’s words, not mine)
While I have a lifetime of learning ahead of me, I’m really good at what I do (it’s taken some maturing and time to be able to say that). I know this because I’ve done my own work with therapist/healer types and I know what’s out there. I’ve trained with and collaborated with some of the best of the best.

Most important though, my clients have said these things:

- I worked with a therapist for 10 years and I didn’t get at half the stuff we got at in your retreat.
- I’m 45 years old, I’ve done tons of personal work, leadership trainings and yet I never had the
experience of healing the really deep stuff and feeling free until my work with you.
- I just got–in 5 sessions with you–what I tried to get for 5 years with my last therapist.

So, yeah. That’s cool. And humbling, to say the least.

So, why else? Well, I’ve done my work. Once I was interviewing therapists–I interviewed about six total– and I was shocked to learn that the majority of them had been practicing over 20 years and had never seen a therapist themselves. What the ? Is that weird or what? Nor had they looked at their own dark side, healed their relationship with their parents (yes, we all get to do some level of this at some point), or assessed the impact of their super strengths or challenges. Me? I’ve done all that and then some. And I don’t plan to stop. It’s a way of life for me. No joke.

Lastly, there’s nothing I can’t be with. I have an enormous capacity to hold anything; working with people and their dark sides, I’ve seen and heard more than you could probably imagine. By grace, I really get humanity at a very deep level. It’s an honor that I am grateful for every day.

What’s next for you? What’s the big plan?
I love my work. I love my sessions, groups and retreats. I plan to keep doing more of the same there.
I want to be a mama. I’m on that journey. I’ve already learned so much about patience, love, surrender. I’m ready.

Last but certainly not least, in a really big, big picture sort of way… (can’t believe I’m going to write this outloud- gulp), I feel I’m on a path to being a spiritual teacher of sorts. I was reminded recently that the Dalai Lama prophesied it would be Western Women who save the world. If I’m walking my talk, that means it’s not just all those other western women out there (wink); it’s me too.

Time to step up.

Turns out patience is a tricky thing. Proving to be one of the hottest topics yet, we Salon ladies dove into vivid conversation about patience; what it means, how we work with it in our lives, and who else might live in it’s neighborhood.

Beginning with defining the word, it was a little trickier than one might think. What IS patience anyway? Does it mean to wait? To slow down? To be in the now? See…? Not so easy, eh?

Breaking it Down
So, we broke it down. How would we explain patience to a 4-year old? You know, when you were little and your parents told you, “Just be patient!” Back then, we didn’t really know what the word itself meant but this is what we got: “Be quiet. You can’t have what you want. No.” Aha! No wonder this word turned out to be a hot topic! Likely a little bit of energy behind it our original understanding of it.

A Deeper Cut
Deeper into the conversation we looked at how patience isn’t always about waiting quietly, passively but sometimes it’s about taking action.
Stuck in traffic? Is there another route to take?
Waiting patiently for someone to get back to you? What actions might you take in the meantime?
Maybe there is something you are being patient about and it’s time to be done being patient about it (i.e. a loved one’s drinking problem, your neighbor’s bad behavior, something political you care about).

Deeper still, we saw that patience is about being with a pace that isn’t your own. Giving up control. Ooh, me likee.

The Neighborhood
Turns out patience has a few neighbors in it’s cul de sac, too.
Compassion
Acceptance
Endurance
Surrender

Making friends with these neighbors may help us sort out our relationship to patience in a more grown-up, less 4-year old kind of way.

In the end…
In the end, we saw that patience for patience sake, doesn’t serve anyone. Ever. It’s not really a virtue standing on it’s own. But when we take patience to a deeper level and reflect upon the power of how we use it (or don’t) in our life, the realizations alone can be life altering.

Thank you + April Salon + Invite your Friends
Once again, a special thank you to the ladies of the March Salon who made this topic so rich, interesting and insightful. I, for one, learned much about myself, my life and our culture.

Join me in April when Tara Mohr will share with us her take on white space: creating more of it in your life.

As always, please invite your friends, get them on the invite list here and they’ll get the next invitation (with rsvp link) when it comes out, just in time for the next Salon.

With love and of course, patience,
regina
xo

By Guest blogger, Dayna Reader

I grew up watching the kind of movies in which couples met, fell in love and lived happily ever after. Love was portrayed as this big, magical feeling; it was out there waiting, you just had to find it and snap it up, and life would be great. I don’t remember seeing a movie that showed these couples dealing with real life issues 2, 10 or 50 years after their Happily Ever After. Try as I might, I can’t imagine Cinderella struggling with post-partum depression or alcoholism, or Prince Charming experiencing job loss or erectile dysfunction. And something tells me that “Belle and The Beast Go to Couples Counseling” or “Snow White Doesn’t Feel Like Having Sex Anymore” wouldn’t sell a lot of tickets.

So we’re raised to search for that perfect fairy tale love, and to believe that loving each other is enough. But loving someone and being successful in a long-term committed relationship are two different things. After 19 years with my own partner, I’ve come to believe that love is necessary, but not sufficient in and of itself to make a relationship last. There was a time in our relationship when, despite the love that existed between us, we just couldn’t connect meaningfully and we found our relationship falling apart. Like many couples, we had our One Big Issue that we couldn’t seem to resolve. So we ended up fighting about it every 6 months or so, which was always incredibly painful for both of us. It took us a long time (and some good therapy) to figure out that on it’s own, all of the love we had for each other wasn’t enough to get us through the really rough spots, or to keep us together. This realization was a huge turning point for us.

Maybe this is what it comes down to: if you’re expecting life and love to be like it is in the fairy tales, you’re going to be disappointed. Falling in love is the beginning, not the end of your story as a couple. Real life intimate relationships that last build on that initial romantic love with friendship, honesty, trust, perseverance, tolerance of each other’s flaws and differences, the ability to see the other person’s perspective as valid (especially when you disagree), the willingness to hold each other up during hard times, the willingness to be vulnerable, and most of all, the choice to continue working on the relationship so that it fulfills both of you for many years.

So if you’re going to stand up together and say “for better or for worse, and ‘til death do us part,” remember what that means. There will be lots and lots of “for better,” but I can guarantee that the “for worse” part will come eventually, and it may come over and over again. That’s when you’ll be called upon to make the choice to hold onto each other. And that choice is much, much bigger than simply loving each other. That choice is everything. That is what Happily Ever After really looks like.

Guest blogger Dayna Reader lives in the San Francisco Bay Area with her True Love, 2 great kids and a tabby cat. She’s a full-time Mom, with a part-time private practice as a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist, specializing in couples counseling. She can be reached at her website or by email at DaynaReaderLMFT@yahoo.com She hopes that you find your genuine Happily Ever After.