“Salon 45 afforded the space for a warm and thoughtful exchange. We shared stories, perspectives, and most of all, things we’re each ‘chewing on’. I loved the opportunity to both listen and share. Regina and Marsha set the stage with valuable topics, then followed up with terrific questions. I had a wonderful evening.” ~ Salon 45 Participant

I was profoundly moved and impacted by Friday night’s Salon 45+.

The Salon was for just for women 45 and over. I am 38. I had more than a few women younger than 45 contact me with a request to participate in the conversation. Not a surprise, really. I had to be firm with the boundary in order to really allow for magic to happen with the women who needed and were calling to be with their own. And I am so glad I did. For me, however, I was spoiled. Lucky. Honored and humbled to be listening in on such an intimate, critical conversation. Marsha Shenk (age 68) led the conversation and I simply shut up and listened.

The Difference
What I heard surprised me. Not in ways that were shocking, but more like, surprised me in that I could see and feel how different the concerns, commitments and questions I ask myself are than these women do. They are no longer asking about whether they look good or if they are okay (which, if we face it, is a lot of what we younger women ask ourselves… if you think you don’t, just think about bikini season). But these women are asking, much richer, more advanced questions:
How do I feel?
Who do I want to be hanging out with?
What will enrich my life?
What do I really want?
What do I want people to rely on me for?
I have x amount of years left, what do I want to do with my life in those years?

To say I felt like a lucky little fly on the wall is an understatement. It’s not a bad thing that I am younger and still more preoccupied with some of the “younger” type questions, but it was clear to me the difference. And, if in the past I had concerns about aging, I really saw the beauty, the goodness, the joy, the FUN in aging. Who knew? I actually have a different relationship to my own future and aging now. I’m telling you, I was blown away.

And, as I suspected… the conversation was deep. Quickly. Nothing superficial. The honesty was out on the table right from the introductions. Here’s who I am; my age, my beauty, my shit. Nothing to hide, here’s me. Next? It was such a different experience than the other Salon’s it was almost like we were in another country (expect with my cats and my fireplace).

Marsha Shenk led the conversation so that each woman got a bit of her own coaching and others’ got learning through listening-in as they went. The “aha’s” going off in the room were abundant and brilliant. All the women stayed for hours after and still left wanting more.

Grateful
I am so glad that I listened to my intuition and did this. I knew there was something distinctly different I was hearing from the comments from the women “of a certain age” in my regular Salons. And this Salon 45+ gave the space not just for these women’s voices to be distinct, totally heard and gotten, but to really move something- inside themselves, inside each other. And certainly inside me.

It’s unclear as to when the next Salon 45+ will be, but rest assured… it will happen. If you’d like to participate, please let me know!

Special thanks to Marsh Shenk for leading this exceptional Salon and special thanks to the women who my guests and participated. So much love to you.

xo,
regina

*Don’t wanna read this whole blog? Skip to the end to look for what’s to come in Salon-land. I think you’re gonna like it.

January’s Salon topic was on Voice. Outloud voice. Inside voice. Authentic voice. It was a rich conversation and a wonderfully warm, provocative evening where many voices were insightful and heard.

Here’s a little sampling of what we covered. For those who were there and not, I hope you find this useful.

My initial thoughts
Voice can live in various domains: Body, mind and spirit.

Body: Where does your voice live in your body? What moods and actions are available to you pending whether your voice is in your throat or deep in your belly?

Mind: How mindful are you when you speak? Of the other person? Your shared outcomes/commitments? Your body? Your impact?

Spirit: What are your intentions when you use your voice? What do your heart and spirit want to communicate? When do you go silent and why?

From the Community
Jen Barth (@JenUnplugged on Twitter) kicked off the evening by reminding us that when we don’t know what to say we often end up saying too much. In the end, it’s totally not effective (and sometimes slightly annoying. ☺).

Amelia J-Lewis (@AmeliaJL) shared with us her practice of speaking into a mirror the words she plans to communicate to another party, that way she is forced to hear how they sound coming out of her mouth. Too harsh? Not enough? I plan to take on this practice myself.

Marsha Shenk (@MarshaShenk) shared with us perhaps one of the most potent points of the evenings: We humans are driven by social pain. She says we humans will avoid pain at most costs. Like, for me, whether I was in the French Bakery unleashing on the man who said yes and meant no, or going silent with my housesitter– the source of action was the same– I was trying to avoid my own pain/shame/upset.

We were lucky enough to have a few social media and PR experts in the room (@KristaFoxwell, @KimBrater, @JenUnplugged, @Mary_Rarick, @ThisKat, @GinaRau, @AmeliaJL, @PemaTeeter) who reminded us, among other things, that times have changed when it comes to using our voice publically. We must take a stand, make our opinion clear and be concise.

The Common Thread
Inside all that stimulating conversation, a juicy inquiry persisted:
What’s the difference between authenticity and honesty? Should I just “be myself” and not worry if it hurts people’s feelings or gets them fired? How do I make an impact but not compromise who I am?

The answer (if we can even say there is one) is complex:
First, it’s important to look at our competing commitments and concerns.
- We have all kinds of dark side (less or unconscious) commitments that run us like a g6 but we are completely blind/unconscious to: we care about looking good, not looking bad, not hurting people, avoiding pain, surviving, not being dominated or dominating so that we ensure we are not hurt. To name a few.
- But then we have our conscious commitments as well: making the client happy, making sure we are happy, doing good work up to our standards, ensuring our kids, friends, neighbors, partners, coworkers are well, having our finances work, our life work, our communities work. The list goes on, right?

These commitments battle each other and we end up in a situation like a few of our guests that evening– making a brave move for the sake of our higher or conscious commitment yet only hours later be grabbed by our feelings that come from our less or unconscious commitments (hope I didn’t sound too arrogant, hope I don’t get him fired, I don’t want to feel bad about this, etc.) Thank you ladies for sharing so openly and giving us all an opportunity to learn here.

The Antidote?
Bring mindfulness to your commitments. What’s driving you? Remember: the goal is not to somehow disappear all those very human and lower-self concerns. The goal is to be present to them and not let them run you like a wild pony. Elevate yourself to your greater commitment, your shared commitment and let your voice operate and sing from there.

You Are Like An Old Rock. Really, You Are.
Be clear that whatever style voice you have (direct, bold, shy, soft, or like me, both at different times)- that voice is not your authentic self, it’s not who you are. That’s just the way you got SHAPED over the past couple of decades, like water dripping on a rock over time makes a rough edge or a soft one. The rock itself is much more than it’s shape. It’s a quartz or granite, it’s blue, black, white…the dna is different for every one. The essence of you is like that, too. You are so much more than your style; your rough or soft edge.

Finding your authentic voice is not about just saying what’s in your head or telling it like it is. It’s about uncovering the ways that you have shaped yourself over time. It’s about looking in your heart for your shared commitments (whether it’s with a lover, a child or a colleague).

Giving up your “style” of communication doesn’t mean you’d be compromising who you are or losing your “authentic voice”. In fact, just the opposite, giving up your patterned ways of being (harsh, bold, direct, shy) likely means revealing MORE of your authentic self. And that’s vulnerable! BUT, it’s like a magnet. Be brave and in turn, people will move toward you and not away from you (despite what your survival brain wants you to think).

Check out these examples of vulnerable, clear, authentic voices:

Sarah Bray’s (@sarahjbray) recent blog post.

Pema Teeter (@Pemateeter) is always revealing her humanity, her vulnerability through her writing.

Mark Silver. Oh Mark. I love him. Few people are as practiced at peeling away old ways of beings to come back to his vulnerable essence. Check him out.

All these folks reveal their humanity and we love them for it. Their voices are clear and strong and totally authentic, not because of the results they are producing or how good they look or how “honest” their feedback is, but because of the their way of being- vulnerable and courageous.

So…thank you to all the women who joined the Salon Tuesday evening and made your voice heard. You made the evening so wonderful and for that, I’m grateful.

Share the Love
Please share the Salons with your friends. It’s you and your community that make them not only possible, but really special.

Winter Retreat
Winter Retreat information and registration is here. Early bird ends January 28th but I’d caution you not to wait too long if you’d like to register. There is limited space and I’ve had a few registrations this week. Also, I offer one partial scholarship per retreat. It’s not been spoken for yet. If you are interested in this, contact me directly.

New Salon Stuff Coming soon!
45 or better? A Salon just for women who are at a different stage in their life than the 30-somethings. You’ve asked and I’ve heard your request. Let’s do it!

Uber Salon! Do you love the Salons? Hanging out with great women, discussing hot topics and sipping wine? Want more? Look for the Uber Salon that will last for hours, include foot rubs and champagne and maybe even a little take-home workbook.

Big, big love,
Regina
xo

P.S. Wanna chat more on this topic? Leave a comment below. Or, use #voice on Twitter.

There is a crisis happening with girls in the world. As a woman who’s hoping to a be a mama someday (not to mention, just being human), I can’t help but be concerned. And I think you should be, too.

Over 600 million girls under the age of 13 are denied education, safety, health, power and choice every day and in every way. Think that doesn’t effect you? Think again. The ripple effect is not only personal, it’s local (thank you Nike)and it’s global.

Today I’m writing as part of a collaborative effort, via the inspiring Tara Mohr, to raise awareness on the growing epidemic and The Girl Effect.

The Girl Effect is defined as the powerful social and economic change brought about when girls have the opportunity to participate in their society.

Wanna know what I mean? Lookie here:

An extra year of primary school boosts her eventual wages
by 10 to 20 percent. An extra year of secondary school:
15 to 25 percent.

Out of the world’s 130 million out-of-school youth,
70 percent are girls.

One girl in seven in developing countries marries before
age 15.

Want more facts? Check it out.

In the meantime, can you imagine having dreams of being a doctor but at age 11 you are engaged… you just don’t know it yet? This short video utterly astounds me every time.

When I was asked to write this piece I realized how proud I am to live in Portland, OR, headquarters to the Nike Foundation. The Nike Foundation and NoVo Foundation share a mission: to create opportunities for girls in the world. Thanks to Portland’s Wieden + Kennedy for the equally committed work on this totally rad video.

Worth the 3 minutes, right?

I’ve been totally absorbed in my life, lately. Admittedly so. That’s part of how life goes, right? But when I stop to watch the videos, read what my peers have to say on the matter, and educate myself even the tiniest bit, something deep inside me begins to surge. I get out of my world and into something far, far bigger than I’ll ever be. Possibility becomes present. Will I be the next UN ambassador? Nope. Likely not. But will I think twice about where I give my money this year? Will I start to take just bit more of a stand when it comes to girls’ power? Will I speak up about these sobering facts even when it’s not polite or popular to do so? Especially when? You bet. And in the end, if we all did just any bit of the above… we’d cause a massive ripple effect that would change girls lives and our global economy. Forever.

So, whatchya gonna do? Lucky for you, you’ve got some options: Read a bit. Watch a video.
Give something. Or, write your own post, add it here and join a wave that will change the world.

Big, BIG love,
regina

P.S. If you want to Tweet about this, there’ll be buzz all week, particularly given November 20th is International Children’s Day. Just use #girleffect and you’re good to go.