Okay. Here’s the deal. I need to come clean with y’all. I’ve been keeping a secret. Yep. A secret.

My wife and I are trying to have a baby. That is to say, I am trying to get pregnant. Phew. There, I said it. Gosh, dang that feels …well, mixed actually.

Reasons I Didn’t Want to Go Public

I’ll get pregnant quickly and then it will be obvious soon enough, after the first trimester!
Truth: That was 5 years ago.

It’s important to have professional boundaries. Nobody in business wants to hear these kinds of personal issues.
Truth: People want what’s real. When I started this new business, Restoring Power, I did it so that I could be me in all ways; magenta hair, cuss words and sharing freely. I promised myself authenticity and freedom. The line of that “professional boundary” is no longer in the same place as it was before. Re-assessing is a good thing.

People will ask me all the time, ‘Are you pregnant yet? Are you pregnant yet?’ and it will drive me crazy.
Truth: This whole process drives me crazy. People asking me this question is the least of it. Sometimes it feels great and sometimes feels bad and I never know which it’s gonna be. See? Crazy.

People will start acting weird around us, especially if they have babies.
Truth: Some people act weird around us anyway. We’re gay- apparently it comes with the territory.

People will bombard me with intensely personal questions that they would never ask a straight couple who needed a little outside support getting knocked up.
Truth: Acquaintances, colleagues, and strangers have been asking these crazy-ass questions for the last five years now anyway. Turns out, it’s not always easy to keep this secret (like in the case of having to decline getting x-rays at the dental office: yes, while sitting in the chair I got “drilled” about whether I am doing vaginal or uterine inseminations).You can either drop your jaw or laugh outloud now. Either would be appropriate.

I Get It
Obnoxious as it is, I get it. Let’s face it, it can be a curious topic given my wife and I don’t have a man in the picture and two women having a baby out and open is still kinda new in the big, big scheme of things. So, I get why people ask. And almost always, I’m game to either educate or set my boundary. But sometimes, I just don’t wanna set my boundary or answer those highly personal questions (100 times- in public). Sometimes I lose my patience. Sometimes I get exhausted.

It Grew
Whats worse is that the longer I kept the“We are trying to get pregnant” secret, it turned into the, “We have struggled enormously in getting pregnant”. Which seemed like an even bigger, more important secret to keep.

The Price I’ve Paid
The impact of keeping these two super-secrets was that I was totally blocked in my writing, blogging, sharing freely, and connecting with YOU.

At first I wasn’t clear what was happening. It just seemed to me like I was too busy with the new business, no time and all. Then I told myself that it was because I’m not a writer and it takes me a month to do just one post. Then I came up with a great solution to that little problem; I decided to video-blog. What? I have to learn all the technicalities of how to do a video blog? I’m too busy! Crap. Full circle. Eventually, my reasons became absurd, even to me, and so I consciously went to work on it.

And the Light Shone Down
What occurred to me was (said in my very best Carrie Bradshaw voice):
Am I keeping the secret, or is the secret keeping me? (Insert SATC theme music)

The answer was painfully clear.

Since I’m dealing with all those original concerns anyway (despite my best efforts to protect myself from them) and I’m paying a big price for keeping this secret, I might as well just out with it. It’s been too long and too painful a journey not to (don’t ask, please- just surmise, okay?).

Flow, Baby. Flow.
This stuff I espouse works. It’s like freakin’ magic. You hide or keep a secret, you block flow. You let it out into the light, you get your groove on steady and sure. Me? I was blocked big-time thanks to my super secret-keeping skills. When I made the choice to come clean, I instantly felt free. It really was like magic. Since then? Flow baby, flow. Everything from my writing, to new business ideas, to my effectiveness with clients, I’m in flow.

So, there is it. My not-so-little, but actually not-that-big-of-a-deal secret.

Until soon,
big love.
regina
xo

P.S. No, I am not pregnant. That I know of anyway. But, I am hoping I am, or will be soon. Yes, we inseminated (for the umpteenth time). No, I will not tell you what that’s like. Well, maybe actually. But likely only over a nice bourbon (which I hope not to be able to drink for a long time). For now, we wait. We hope. We pray that this time it works. What’s different this time is that I’m out and I’m free. You can ask me how I am, wish me well or send me love. I’ll take it all. Just promise me that you’ll think twice before you ask me one of those crazy-ass questions that might not be your bidness, k? K.

Victim is in our blood. It’s part of our humanity. Natural, even. Inescapable according to psychological and spiritual guru, Carloyn Myss. Carolyn says that we have 12 archetypes we embody for learning and growing in our lifetime. Four, she says, are set in stone and the same for all of us. The Prostitute, The Saboteur, The Child, and, you guessed it, The Victim.

The Victim is not bad and wrong, contrary to how we think of her. We love her. She serves a purpose. Helps us get vital needs met, helps us get what we want. The problems come when we pretend we aren’t two-stepping with her, pretending we aren’t letting her run the show at times. The problems come when we are in denial of her presence and power in our life.

I’m an entrepreneur and most days I love the thrill of showing up to my own office, doing the work I’m both good at and passionate about. But some days, I wanna chuck it all out the window and say “Sayonara, sucker”, bake like a lizard in the sun, crack open a cold beer and read fashion magazines while laughing out loud with my Poker Gals until my belly aches. On those days, I have to talk myself into showing up. Even though I know being a solopreneuer comes with things I don’t always like, and even though I choose my business, and love it, on those days, I still fall Victim to it: I lose a little power in exchange for more immediate payoffs, like procrastinating, sympathy, avoiding responsibility, or whining (which, let’s face it, sometimes feels really good).

Of course we don’t want to work some days. Maybe even a lot of days. In a row. Nothing wrong with that. Let’s just be out about it, shall we? But that’s not what we, as a society, are practiced at. No sir-ee. Instead of telling the truth about our needs/wants/complaints and actively working to meet them in a powerful way, it’s acceptable to use the Victim full tilt (and then pretend we are not because after all, we are mostly self-actualized, right?).

We are afraid that if we are out with our Victim—out loud, out of the closet—her needs will stop getting met. In my case above, maybe I need a little rest and I know all the reasons I can’t have it so I complain about it in a very clever way. I leak my upset, lightly joking about how I’m working 9 days in a row and there is nothing to be done about it (enter Victim). Most people are good and kind so they respond with sympathy or agreement. Ah, agreement. We love agreement even more than sympathy. But I’ll leave that for another blog. Even cleverer, through my complaining, I actually get to procrastinate, put off the part of work I dislike thus getting my needs met covertly. Smart, right? I’m afraid if I tell the truth about how I just want to complain or not work or whatever- that I’ll have to be responsible for changing something, or getting off something, or quit whining (which, if you remember, can feel really good).

Funny humans we are, to boot, we like to think our complaint is a really good one, an uncommon one, and super justified…impossible to fix or solve. “Yea, but this is different”, “I just need to bear with it”, “That’s just how it is, this client is special”, “Nothing can be done and it’ll be over soon (heavy sigh)”. We like to think we are unique. Truth? Our complaints are not unique or impossible. In fact, our complaints are actually boring and ubiquitous when you get right down to it (insert your own laughter here). Trust me, I’ve listened to them for over a decade now (including my own). And as for impossible, just about anything is possible- you just can’t see it inside that victimy-context that you don’t know (or believe) you have. Except you do. We all do. It’s in our blood, remember?

Next time you hear even the tiniest peep of the Victim knocking on your subconscious, let her out a tiny bit. Crack the closet door and let in a speck of light. Bring her out into full view in all her glory.

Consider your Victim is here to help you get what you need.
Love her up.
Then ask yourself:
What I am not telling the truth about?
(I don’t wanna!)
What would be the most embarrassing or shameful thing to admit right now?
(I just want to complain, it’s actually feeling good and I’d like to milk it all day if I wouldn’t be found out).
What need or want is not getting met?
(Rest? Being heard? Being alone? Collaborating?)
How could I simply be “out” about my wants and needs?
(Maybe I’ll tell so-and-so. Maybe I’ll make a request.)
Or, my personal fave: What am I being a brat about?
(Me? A brat? Ha!)
Yeah. Sit with that.

Then again, there’s always the alternative: Leave the damn bitch in the closet with the door locked and chained, milk the perks of sympathy and avoiding responsibility for all it’s worth and make everyone in your life, including you, miserable all the while pretending it’s all a “normal” part of life.

Oops. Was that my out-loud voice?