Crazy-Ass Questions

Those intensely personal questions sound something like this.

Are you using a sperm bank or someone you know?
How is this your business?

How much does sperm cost anyway? I mean really, what do those donor guys get paid? I bet it’s alot!
See above. Oh, and thanks for reminding me that I’m spending a small fortune whilst they are having weekly orgasms. Yeah. I like that, a lot.

So, are you really using a turkey baster?
Ew. By the chuckle you just gave and the grin on your face I don’t even want to think about the image of ME and a turkey baster that just conjured up for you. This is now mortifying.
How does the doctor get it in you?
Use your imagination or google it.

Who is going to be the real mom?
As opposed to the fake one?

Will you have your partners’ brother be the donor? No? Why not? My best friend’s cousin’s neighbor did that and it worked out awesome for them!
No we will not. Thanks for the suggestion though. In the whole five years we’ve been trying, we hadn’t thought of that or any of the other great ideas that you’re coming up with on the fly standing in line here at the New Seasons grocery store.

Oooh, maybe you can get pregnant at the same time? That would be rad!
No, actually it would be stupid and insane. Think about it.

Are you going to harvest your partner’s eggs and put them in you?
No, we won’t be doing that. It’s a crazy expensive, her eggs are too old and tell me again how this is your business?

Have you tried (fill in the blank with said doctor/pill/method/natural medicine of your choice)?
Yes. I have tried them all. Seriously, I have. Naturapths, acupunturists, shamans, Mayan massage, intuitive massage, uterine massage. Homeopathy, chinese medicine, bed rest, special diet, CoQ10, flower essences. Western drugs, natural drugs, meditation, prayer, progesterone, peace-pipe in a tee-pee, baby aspirin. Family constellation therapy, regular therapy, somatic therapy, energy therapy, Reiki. New sperm, old sperm, fresh sperm, frozen sperm.

Shall I go on?

You know you can always adopt! Have you thought about adoption?
No. It never crossed our minds this entire time. Thanks for the suggestion.

And, my personal favorite…
Have you thought of just relaxing? You know, I know someone who was having a hard time getting pregnant and she finally applied for adoption and bam! She got pregnant! It happens ALL the time, I hear. You should try that.
Your are right, I should just try that. First, have you ever tried to relax about something you want more than anything in the world but it’s entirely out of your control? Try being present with that intense longing and disappointment every month for about five years… then come talk to me. Okay. Self-pitying, smart-ass, rant done.

On a more serious note: it takes a long time to get pregnant. The pressure to have it happen quickly in this society is insane. Studies are now showing that the length of time it takes a woman to get pregnant is much longer than previously thought. And if there are any health issues (even tiny), it can take a bit longer. And for some women, they simply fall on the outside of that margin and it takes even longer. So by the time she applies for adoption, if she is still “trying”, statistically speaking OF COURSE she’s gonna be pregnant!

Okay… enough of this, take me back to the main blog I was reading.

*Please note, if you are someone who has asked any one of these questions, it’s okay. I still love you and hope that you still love me. I ask crazy-ass questions sometimes, too. Life is a learning curve. No shame, k? Just wakey-wakey. I’m “outing” myself and these questions as a way to free myself and perhaps educate a few curious people, too. ‘Cuz if there’s one thing I know… people are damn sure curious about this topic.